Stop telling boys to “man up” or suppress their tears — it harms more than it helps.
In school, a classmate of mine once smashed a washroom mirror.
He had been furious with a teacher who had given him low marks on a math paper, refusing to grant the extra half-mark he needed to pass. Calmly, he walked to the washroom, and moments later we heard the crash of glass shattering.
The scene left everyone shocked and confused. He had always seemed quiet and reserved, sitting far from the rowdy chaos typical of 13-year-olds. “But he was fine?” I remember someone asking.
The truth is, the phrase “I’m fine” often serves as a mask—especially for teenage boys. If they show anything less than “fine,” they are met with a string of unflattering labels, the gentlest being “namby-pamby” or “sissy.”
Boys don’t cry.
But they should.
Why “fine” is a mask
For many teenage boys, it’s easier to say “I’m fine” than to admit they’re hurting inside.
Dr. Lidia Lopez, a clinical psychologist, explains why this has become a default response: “It feels safer than admitting they’re overwhelmed. During adolescence, emotions can be intense and confusing, so saying ‘I’m fine’ becomes a way to avoid vulnerability.”
A protective shortcut
Another reason teenage boys default to “I’m fine” is that they often see their parents using the same phrase. Over time, this becomes easier than sharing the truth.
Hiba Salem, a Dubai-based clinical psychologist, notes that there’s also a significant internal shift happening. “Many boys are suddenly experiencing sadness, worry, or confusion more intensely than ever before, and they often lack the tools to make sense of it,” she says.
As a result, “I’m fine” becomes a protective shortcut. It allows them to avoid conversations and quickly stabilize themselves when emotions feel overwhelming. “They may fear disappointing a parent, saying the wrong thing, or revealing more than they intend. For some boys, it’s not defiance but uncertainty—they sense something is off, yet lack the confidence, vocabulary, or emotional clarity to express it,” she explains.
William Flannery, who splits his time between London and Dubai, recalls his own childhood experiences with shame around crying: “You would be bullied or harassed if you cried. You were told that men don’t behave like that. We grew up with that conditioning: men fix things, men must stay strong, and crying is for women.”
There was little room for a teenage boy to express his emotions. “Play football, let it out in fencing, or go boxing. Only later did I realise how wrong that logic was,” says William Flannery. “I was one of those kids. I would say ‘I’m fine’ and channel my anger into football. That’s what we were taught to believe.”
Boys versus girls
This pattern aligns with what Ritasha Varsani, a Dubai-based psychologist, observes: “When boys complain about being bullied, they are often told to fight back rather than being given space to express their feelings. From a young age, boys are granted less emotional freedom—sensitive boys are teased, compared, and told ‘don’t be girly.’”
Over time, boys learn to suppress their emotions out of fear of judgment or humiliation, making it harder to understand or navigate their own feelings. In contrast, girls are generally encouraged to be supportive, polite, cooperative, and understanding. These gendered expectations shape emotional expression from early childhood.
Cultural norms continue to influence how boys manage their emotional lives. Even in households that promote openness, boys absorb messages from schools, media, and peers that emotional expression is something to hide. They learn early that strength is linked with calmness, and that emotional intensity can be misunderstood.
Hiba Salem, clinical psychologist at Sage Clinics, highlights why teenage boys often say “I’m fine” and the emotional damage it can cause.
Conditioned to stay silent
As Dr. Girish Banwari, a psychiatrist based in Dubai, explains, boys are shaped by social and cultural expectations. During adolescence, when identity is still forming, there is a strong sense of maleness. “They believe: ‘I should not be the one to break. I need to fix things.’” This emotional suppression can be exhausting, wearing them down over time and even straining relationships.
Dr. Lidia Lopez adds that teenage boys often value independence, strength, and emotional control. “When they experience sadness, fear, or insecurity, they may interpret those emotions as weakness and shut down. Peer pressure and family dynamics, such as being the older brother, can intensify the pressure to appear strong or ‘in control.’”
Boys are frequently told phrases like “It’s not that bad,” “Come on, be a man,” or “Boys don’t cry.” Such comments discourage emotional expression and reinforce the belief that showing feelings is a vulnerability and therefore unsafe. By the teenage years, this habit is deeply internalised. Consequently, “I’m fine” often reflects a lifelong pattern of emotional self-silencing—a pattern that can be passed on to the next generation if left unaddressed.
“Real emotional strength is the ability to recognise, express, and manage feelings in a healthy way,” Dr. Lopez explains.
The cost of emotional suppression
Dr. Banwari explains that subtle behaviors can indicate deeper emotional struggles, not just typical teenage moodiness. Signs such as social withdrawal or aggression can gradually lead to fractured relationships. “They are trying to help themselves rather than seeking help from others,” he notes—viewing reaching out as a sign of weakness.
Dubai-based homemaker Anshula Mehta, mother of three boys, noticed the first red flags with her youngest son. Outwardly, he seemed cheerful, ate well, did reasonably in school, and spent time with friends. Yet something felt off. His smile and sense of humor were strained, and his jokes were increasingly self-deprecating, even as he insisted he was fine.
She later discovered that he was quietly being bullied in class—for his appearance, academics, and even by friends—which was starting to erode his self-worth. “I told him to break off from those friends immediately,” she said.
The warning signs may be subtle, but they are real:
- Increased irritability or anger outbursts
- Avoidance of school, sports, or social interactions (isolation)
- Changes in sleep patterns (oversleeping or difficulty sleeping)
- Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
- Risk-taking behaviours
- Frequent complaints of headaches or stomach aches (common physical signs of stress)
- Expressions of hopelessness, sometimes hidden in jokes or sarcasm
Ritasha Varsani explains that if a teen isolates himself in his room, eats alone, avoids family time, spends excessive time on screens, appears sad, withdraws from friends or family, shows disrupted sleep, displays little interest in his appearance—or becomes overly preoccupied with it—loses interest in daily activities, becomes unusually quiet, or reacts with tantrums during most conversations, these are clear signs of emotional struggle.
When “I’m fine” is paired with withdrawal, physical complaints, or emotional volatility, it often means the opposite. A teen who is simply having a grumpy afternoon may still engage in routine, friendships, and hobbies. Deeper struggles are marked by longer-lasting withdrawal, noticeable changes in sleep, appetite, or concentration, loss of interest in hobbies, physical exhaustion, or extended periods alone.
Hiba Salem adds that the key is observing patterns rather than isolated moments. “Parents do not need to diagnose the issue, but they should take the changes seriously and create intentional space to check in,” she says.
Boys, emotional suppression, and the role of male role models
Boys are often socialised to value independence, strength, and emotional control. When they feel sadness, fear, or insecurity, they may interpret those emotions as “weakness” and shut down.
Dr. Lidia Lopez, a clinical psychologist specializing in children, explains that role models play a crucial part in reversing this pattern. Fathers or other important male figures need to demonstrate that it is okay to express emotion and vulnerability. “That’s how boys learn,” says Dr. Girish Banwari.
Practical ways to model emotional openness:
- Show vulnerability: Fathers and male role models should share their own feelings, stress, or mistakes. Even simple admissions like, “I had a tough day today,” can make a big difference.
- Use low-pressure conversations: Side-by-side discussions during an activity often help teens open up more than direct face-to-face questioning.
- Start with observations, not accusations: For example, “I’ve noticed you’ve been getting into trouble lately, and I know you’re not a troublemaker. Is everything okay?”
- Ask open, gentle questions: Approach with curiosity rather than interrogation.
- Normalize emotional language: Statements like, “It makes sense to feel stressed with everything happening,” validate feelings.
- Offer time, not force: Let teens know you’re available when they’re ready to talk.
- Validate first: Respond calmly and non-judgmentally to encourage openness.
- Balance resilience and expression: Emphasize that emotions are normal and manageable; vulnerability does not equal weakness.
Ritasha Varsani, a Dubai-based psychologist, adds that boys often wrestle with internal shame about “not being man enough” long before they can openly express emotional pain. These silent struggles can later manifest in harmful habits such as addiction, binge eating, or self-harm.
As Varsani explains, children need emotional space just to exist. When parents move from a controlling approach to a more collaborative one, a teenager’s nervous system naturally relaxes. Communication is key: maintain a calm tone, listen more, and avoid assuming that your perspective is the only correct one. Involve your child in exploring possible solutions without insisting on a specific outcome.
Above all, remind him that he is not alone and that you are there to support him—sometimes, simply knowing this is enough.
